All About Attachment

You may have heard any number of Tiktoks, Reels, Instagram posts etc talking about “Attachment Theory” lately, and “healing attachment wounds.”

But what the heck even is attachment and how would we use attachment theory in a therapeutic context in a counselling session? Let’s dive in!

What The Heck is Attachment?

Attachment can be defined as the deep way we connect to another. One of the deepest attachment bonds that we can have originates with our primary caregivers from the time we are born. Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and expanded by Mary Ainsworth, is a framework that explains how the bonds we form with our primary caregivers in early childhood influence our behavior, emotions, and relationships throughout life. This makes sense as when children are born they are extremely vulnerable. Children need love, security, and nurturance in order to feel safe.

If they do not get these things, they must adapt in order to survive. These early experiences shape our attachment style. There are four main categories of attachment styles, broken into secure and insecure systems.

Secure Attachment Systems:

Secure Attachment:

Individuals with secure attachment generally feel comfortable with intimacy and are able to balance closeness with independence in relationships. Their primary intimate relationships in childhood were typically considered safe, predictable, and responsive to their needs. When these individuals received what they needed as children their stress response was deactivated.

Insecure Attachment Systems:

Anxious-Preoccupied:

Those with this style may feel overly dependent on others for validation and are often preoccupied with fears of abandonment or that others won’t respond to their needs for intimacy. This attachment style often comes out of parenting that is unreliable and doesn’t consistently provide care that is responsive to the child's needs. Anxiously attached individuals often feel they’re the “problem” in a relationship and have a low sense of self-worth.

This style may also be referred to as “Ambivalent”.

Dismissive-Avoidant:

People with this attachment style value independence to the extent that they may avoid emotional closeness and appear distant. It was found this often stemmed from parents ignoring or avoiding their child's bids for intimacy, which formed a belief that those needs were not safe to hold. While the avoidantly attached individual may outwardly push others away, subconsciously there is usually an immense amount of pain that stems from the potential of rejection which is what triggers the need to be independent.

Fearful-Avoidant:

This style is marked by a push-pull dynamic, where individuals crave closeness but are also fearful of it, leading to mixed behaviors in relationships. This style may also be referred to as “Disorganized”. This naming comes from one of the most prominent attachment studies conducted, where the group labeled as fearful avoidant displayed “confusing” behavior as children. At times they would seek comfort from their parents, while also seeming frightened or distrustful. It was found that this group of children had parents who carried unresolved trauma themselves and behaved erratically, sometimes acting in threatening ways to the children and then switching to being submissive.

While these categories may be neatly separated, it’s very important to note that while attachment style was previously thought to be static, it can evolve and manifest on a spectrum. Our childhood isn’t the only thing that influences our attachment style, and our style can shift depending on how life plays out for us. We also may not fit perfectly into one category and that’s completely normal.

Our Nervous System Plays a Huge Role in Attachment

The connection between our nervous system and attachment is intimately linked. According to polyvagal theory, developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, our nervous system plays a crucial role in how we experience safety, connection, and stress. The vagus nerve is central to this process.

When we feel securely attached, our nervous system operates from a state of safety, allowing us to engage socially, regulate our emotions, and respond calmly to stress. In contrast, insecure attachment can keep the nervous system in a state of hypervigilance or freeze, leading to chronic anxiety, stress, or emotional numbness.

This is why people with insecure attachment styles often struggle with emotional regulation. Their nervous system may be stuck in a fight, flight, or freeze response, making it difficult to feel safe and connected both in relationships and within themselves.

Emotional Reactivity

While attachment theory is often discussed in the context of relationships, its influence extends beyond that. Our attachment style can significantly impact our emotional responses and reactivity in every aspect of daily life.

For example, someone with an anxious-preoccupied attachment may be more prone to anxiety and worry, not just in relationships but in work and social situations as well. They might interpret neutral events as negative, triggering heightened emotional responses. A person with a dismissive-avoidant attachment might suppress their emotions, leading to a detached or aloof demeanor that can affect their decision-making, gut instinct, and interactions with others.

Understanding your attachment style can provide valuable insights into why you react the way you do in various situations. It’s not just about how you relate to others but how you relate to yourself and the world around you.

Attachment In Session

Counselling that is the right fit can offer support for healing attachment wounds, helping us move toward a more secure attachment style and a regulated nervous system. The first step is feeling safe in your relationship with your counsellor. When you have a secure other who you know is with you to witness your pain, it becomes easier to identify what may have created the patterns you are currently in and the attachment style you most resonate with.

Various different types of counselling often integrate attachment healing at the core of their work, even if it’s not overtly discussed such as somatic therapy, which focuses on the body’s sensations to release stored trauma, or parts work, which explores different “parts” of your psyche that may hold onto attachment-related fears. Inner child work is a type of parts work that is also common, helping you reconnect with and nurture the younger version of yourself who may still be carrying those early wounds.

Healing attachment wounds can feel like a big undertaking, however, it is possible, especially with support. If you have any questions about attachment and how attachment healing is integrated in session, please reach out via the contact form.

Sincerely,